Conflict Resolution

I am the type of person that would rather walk away than get into a conflict. When it comes to conflict, I always end up being the one that get hurts. The conflict that I have had in my personal life, had to do with my sister-in-law. And it seemed like whenever she was having a bad day, she would come over and start yelling at me or her mother. The one time that I got into it with her, it did not seem to matter what I said, it was an excuse to her. At one point I finally told her, “it doesn’t matter what I say, you are going to say that it is an excuse. I am done.” A time before that, I had just finished doing homework and she was sitting in the kitchen, yelling at her mother, saying stuff about me. She must not have realized that I could hear what she was saying, but I put on my running shoes and she saw me leave the house. I am pretty sure she saw me leave, but after I left, she asked her mom if she had crossed the line. There was also a time that she was laying into me over the phone and I hung up on her because I was done with her yelling at me.

Now I am not sure if the way that I have handled myself by removing myself from in the middle of the conflict is a good thing that I can do or not. A strategy that I could probably try would be to suggest that we both stop the discussion and then come back to it when both of us can discuss it in a calm manner. By doing this strategy, we can both feel like we are each being heard. This approach also keeps one person from saying something that will either put a strain on the relationship or will be something that will be regretted later.

I am opening up this now to my colleagues: How can I handle this situation better should I find myself in the middle of it again? What strategies would you suggest I do next time?

My Communication Styles

I was surprised at the differences that showed themselves between how my grandma rated me and how a friend rated me. For doing the testing, I asked my grandma Viola and my friend Bryan to answer the questions. The differences between the answers was amazing because my grandma and I had scores that were pretty close together.

Communication Anxiety: Me-44 (Mild) Viola-38 (Mild) Bryan-31 (Low)
Verbal Aggressiveness: Me-70 (Significant) Viola- 72 (Significant) Bryan-57 (Moderate)
Listening Style: All three of us got Group 1 (People-Oriented)

I think the reason that my grandmother and I were so similar in our answers was because she has known me my entire life (obviously) but also she knows me pretty well. The differences were I view myself as a little less willing to get up in public to speak. I know for myself, when it comes to getting up in front of my peers, I am a nervous wreck. I do not look forward to getting up in front of a group to speak. I am much better in one-on-one or small group settings. The differences between my friend Bryan and I is like he had said, “it just depends on the situation that I am in determines how I will react.” I completely agree with his statement.

The insights that I gained this week is that 1) we often see ourselves with a less objective eye than does someone who does not see you as often and 2) You have to be able to be completely honest with yourself when you answer the questions even though that can be really hard to do sometimes. These two insights are very important when it comes to being able to communicate effectively in regards to my professional life as well as my personal life. Knowing these insights will help give me some guidance in how to grow into a more effective communicator.

Effective Communication

When it comes to communication, everyone does it differently. It is possible to communicate differently with different people because not everyone is going to communicate the same. When it comes to different groups that I come in contact with, I have to be mindful how I talk to people. In a more formal situation, I may communicate with a potential employer differently than I would to friend in a more informal setting.

I think that communication, particularly effective communication is an art form. Just like art, it takes time and practice to perfect it. This is especially true when it comes to communicating with people in different groups and cultures. I try to communicate differently with each of these different groups. Sometimes I am more successful than other times. I try not to use large words with groups and particularly young children who do not understand what I am saying. I do find that if I say something that someone may not understand, I have to explain exactly what I mean.

In order to be more effective in my communications it is important that I keep these three strategies in mind for communicating with others.

STRATEGY 1: Listening skills–I need to be a more effective listener in order to make sure that communication is effective. This means actively listening, by asking questions to show that I have heard what they are saying correctly. I also need to listen better so that I am not going to interrupt the person speaking just to say what I want to say.

STRATEGY 2: Know my audience–I need to be aware of who I am talking to so that I can adjust my communication style accordingly. By being more aware of social settings, I can make sure that I talk with more of a high communication style than a low communication style.

STRATEGY 3: Platinum Rule–I need to communicate by trying to keep into account what the other person needs. You have to learn a little bit about how the other person expects to be treated and by using the Platinum Rule, I can communicate with more sensitivity and empathy toward other people.

Nonverbal Communication Cues

This week I watched the Waltons. Now this is a show that I have seen but I do not watch it on a regular basis. If given the choice between watching the Waltons or some crime drama, I would choose the crime drama. Not that I have a problem with the Waltons. I watched it with the sound muted and I was pretty correct on the nonverbal communication. The story line changes from episode to episode as the characters try to deal with different events in their lives. There were times that I may have guessed wrong with regard to what was going on, but once the sound was on, it was easier to figure out what was going on during the program. There was one part during the plot that I thought it was the guy that one of the Walton girls wanted to go with to the dance. When I turned the sound on I discovered that it was a different person than I had assumed that it was. That made it kind of interesting in that regard.

Now if I had been watching a show like Castle and it is one of the episodes that I have seen many times, I would have had no trouble figuring out the nonverbal communication cues with the sound off because I have seen the show with the sound on many times. I would of course miss the jokes with no sound but that would be something that I would have to be willing to deal with. When it comes to watching shows that either you know really well or not, sometimes there are little things that can surprise you during the show that you do not realize are there.

Communication

I know that there are times when people will not be great at communication all of the time. I admit that there are times when I could use more tact than other times or try to keep my mouth shut when I should. Nonetheless, when it comes to good communication I would say that my husband can do pretty well. There are times when you get him on the subject of politics, religion, or anytime that he is fed up about something or when he is playing video games and takes things just a little bit too personally, that his communication skills fall apart.

There are times when my husband and I can actually have a two-way conversation with each other where there is give and take. I feel like he hears me and I can hear him. He communicates very clearly what his point of view is and if I happen to disagree with him (which does not happen very often) he will not try to argue with me until I come over to his side of the argument. When it comes to him trying to make a decision, he will ask me what my opinion is and will listen as I state what I think. He communicates to me with both his words and actions that he thinks that I am very smart and that he loves me and thinks that I am very beautiful. The times when it falls apart, I have just learned that I just need to let it ride and not try to interrupt his monologues.

I don’t know if I would want to learn or emulate some of his communication skills or not. The times that he does really good, are times that I admire and would want to try to copy. The rest of the time, I just have to be patient with him. While communication is something that everyone has to learn to get better at, the good points from my husband are ones that I hope I can learn something from but it is the things that he doesn’t do so well that is something I can learn things from as well.